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The collective mind is greater and smarter than one single individual
The mayor who make a huge change in New York city and even starred as himself in “Anger Management”
The jack of all trade and entrepreneurs.
The hyperactive kid with a dog
The Jew who see through the States to credit crisis
The testimony

All these I have started long time ago but yet none of them able to reach the completion. I have procrastinate long enough. Could do some catch up tomorrow with anyone of them.

A friend told me that I’m insensitive person. I told him that I am sensitive. He argued that I’m not a sensitive guy, rather I am a person who often emo. He called me “Emo hai”

After today the lady bought me the snowflakes, I went around shopping. Dropped by a friend shop. With a receipt above RM200 of purchase, I could get away with 2 hours free parking. Hence, I walked to the information counter to get the free parking validated. Unlike the Timberland sales assistant who called me by my name. I guess he saw my name on the credit card which prompted him to say “Thank You Mr. Tan” So courteous. The customer service representative at the Pavilion called me Mr. Wrong. The chicks were kind of happy to see Mr. Wrong? Or were they had enough to wait and search for Mr. Right?

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In the beginning I was thinking about ranting and complaining. As time goes by, I am mellow down. Doesn’t feel like raging any. Rather it is just a let out. It has to be to do with the driving experience in Kuala Lumpur.

Seriously speaking today I almost had twice the mishap. It’s almost. Every single farking time it is just at the edge of it. Whenever I look over at the driver, they aren’t talking or tweeting. They just don’t know how to drive. They drive like they own the road. Owning their farking road. When confronted the excuse were merely I also pay for the road tax. Hello?!! Everyone is paying also. Stop hogging the lane or thinking you are driving the farking Hummer and utilize both lanes. Damn it.

Anyway, the point is that the national car which can be bought at lower price enable almost everyone can drive. This is where the horror is. When any Tom, Dick and Harry driving, they aren’t actually drive. They just trying to make a statement that they exist.

There is one time I promised a friend that I will be joining them to club. However that night I doesn’t feel like going out so I told them that I will fetch them home instead since I stood them up. That night itself, it was drizzling when the friend called me. It was slightly after 3am. I dragged myself out of the bed and went to pick them up. One of them stayed all the way in the Bukit Rahman Putra which is quite a distance from Phuture.

She wasn’t that happy when I went out to pick up the friends. If you can do friends the favor, you would do right? Wouldn’t you? I recalled that she once said why of all the person on earth they would call me. I told her simple. I’ve promise to help and it was freaking 3AM in the morning. Raining and after all, you don’t want to leave them out there alone right?

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To quote from a movie I once saw, “it is okay to come from a broken family than living in one. Everyone has their background. Their own stories and their own lives. If a family that is sounds and looks perfect, then look deeper. Perfect families are those I seen in Desperate Housewives. Superficially perfect. How about the underlying under current?

I had the pleasure to meet many people. Different people and from all walk of life. They carry along their stories. I love to listen to their stories. It allows me to understand them better.

Once I had a long lunch with a very customer of mine. He came from tough time. Tough place. Growing up in a ulu place, he know very well the words “tough time”. I listened to his experience living in a shared community. There are public toilets known as Sei Kap Pan which loosely translated to four pieces of wood.

The design of the toilet in a communal area was covered with just ply woods. Toilet bowls does not exist at that time. Only the toilet stool collecting the excretes. By midnight there will be the designated person collecting it to use as fertilisers. Well, that was just a part of his story.

Whenever I dropping by to this place, where the broken family is. It ached me to see how it turns out to be. Whether it was the fate or their destiny? I always believe we reaped what we sow.

They said charity begins at home. The is very true. The family values are what that defines us. How we grow up to be. Many times we leave it to the school or the education system. Have we ever thought doing the deed as the family members? When I looked at them two, I feel sad for them. Their kids grown up to become someone I don’t recognize anymore.

Later that evening, the daughter called me. Asked me to watch over them. Her brothers are useless, she said. What choice do I have? The entire house is broken. To borrow from Confucius:-

Broken House

Things being investigated, knowledge became complete.
物格而後知至
Their knowledge being complete, their thoughts were sincere.
知至而後意誠
Their thoughts being sincere, their hearts were then rectified.
意誠而後心正
Their hearts being rectified, their persons were cultivated.
心正而後身修
Their persons being cultivated, their families were regulated.
身修而後家齊
Their families being regulated, their States were rightly governed.
家齊而後國治
Their States being rightly governed, the entire world was at peace.
國治而後天下平

One don’t come back anymore. He considering that staying out will do better when the old ones are struggling to keep their heads above the water. The other just plain slacking away. Giving up to strive for betterment of the family. The young ones live in a broken house now.

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At the night like this, the only sounds that you can hear is your own breath. Quiet. Peaceful. Tranquil. Not much words can define the state of emotion that I am going through now. Occasionally I will have the guests the form of screeching tires having to hit the brake as they came close to the speed bump. What makes the lonely night like this scarier is none than the mid of the Hungry Ghost festival.

Burning the midnight oil, these college students will stay up late. Either they believe that they could concentrate well at night while the other busy entertaining themselves through gaming or just simply mamak-ing at night. What else to do then to kill time. Students have plenty of time, and that what everyone says. During these nights, I refused to sleep because I been through hell compiling and coding. Or was it just a part of the excitement to finish the game that I was playing. Either way, it was a choice. I refuse to sleep.

The transition from college to the marketplace. Some called it to face the world. In the end, we still come back to the same point. The nights I had to refuse to sleep due to the work commitment. When I have a tender to submit the next day, I would been burning the midnight oil. Sleep has become a luxury. Less sleeping hours was norm. Why to such extend? Malaysians do things at the very 11th hour. The longer one procrastinate, the more delay we will be. We put things off until that very moment. A very good example is when comes the time for the EPF e-Filing.

And then there are those insomnia. These are just freaking sicko. They got nothing to do with choice when it comes to sleep.

Insomnia

Now, I just refuse to sleep. I just want to stare into the deep black skies. Perhaps I could do the same in my pitch black bedroom when the light were out. It just the same, perhaps.

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The Together Gather 2007. Connection.

The Nuffnang Anniversary 2009. Beginning

The New Year 2010 Celebration. Crack

The July Finale. Compensation

How’s It Gonna Be – Lyrics

I’m only pretty sure that I can’t take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I’m going to miss
I wonder How it’s going to be
When you don’t know me
How’s it going to be
When you’re sure I’m not there
How’s it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
‘Cause I don’t care
How’s it going to be
How’s it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There’s a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can’t ignore
Like…
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don’t see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how’s it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
‘Cause I don’t care
How’s it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don’t know me any more
And how’s it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How’s it going to be
When you don’t know me any more
How’s it going to be
How’s it going to be

How’s it going to be? Parted ways.

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I mean I seriously need to finish all the books that I have commenced since last year. Some has been pending as I couldn’t bring myself to read it. Perhaps it was due to the strained mind trying to rip all the contents of the book. I find myself read mostly the books with some data, facts or information.

Unlike those books which I find it as an easy read mostly are the chick-lit. Nonetheless, there are some classic novels I begin to pick up. This is largely influenced by the ‘Controversial’ or the ‘Banned’ book list. All of these books recommended has been importantly influence the society. Check ‘Catcher in the rye’ for example. It tells the stream of thought of a young teenager. Rebellious.

Maybe I should just for once. For once ignore all the self-help/autobiographies and work on the fiction. Less complicated. Though facts do interesting. Especially the unless fact where you can brag to your colleagues or peers about.

What not. I don’t think I can find any of my peers whom really reads. Not those that within my circles.

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Cupcakes @ Wondermilk

Nothing can go wrong with sugary stuff. So the cupcakes @ Wondermilk was just so good to be true. It’s a bliss to able to enjoy the tranquility of the place with the rain hitting on the pavement outside the shop.

Looking back, it has been weeks since I really go hang out with friends. Glad to have friends like them around *hugs*

You all know who you guys are.

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It’s 11 minutes to 8pm. I wanted to write something. Anything. It can be of any kind of thing as long as it’s a something. Why would I feel like writing something? I don’t know. I just felt so. In fact, it has been a while since I really do write something.

A troubling thought. Yes indeed. When people keep coming for you asking to work for them, the only thing that I have in mind is what I can offer to them. Look at it, if they don’t want something from you why do they want to offer things to you in the first place. In this case, I would say it’s a job offer. Putting into the right terms, they are offering you with a pay and in return you got to do something for them. Could be the customers and clients you are currently holding? Or the expertise and skill set that you have. Something that can putting more value into the corporation.

Even in relationship it is also a trade. Someone to offer and someone to give. The human co-existed with trade. I give you what you want and you give me what I want. That’s simple. Right? No. There is something they always wanted to say about fair trade or the trade of equivalent value. This ain’t going to happen. Not at all. Not in my lifetime nor your lifetime. It is always about who give in more. Who are the one more desperate and who willing to pay for.

Just like today when I go and order a cup of Starbucks’ Cafe’ Mocha, they asked me if I wanted to upsize the coffee to the large size with only RM1. How much different it could be with just 1 dough? The size of extra 4 oz. Not much different it you ask me. I would have told you that it wouldn’t have matters. You won’t be able to finish it. Acquiring the taste. Savoring its aroma.

In summary I guess everything falls back into the economic and trade.

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It’s time to let it go completel. Even though that it can be an aching but be it right or wrong, somehow choice got to be made. It can never be the right choice or the wrong choice. It was always to me the best choice at that particular moment.

Throughout the span of year plus, it changes me. Be it directly or indirectly. Somehow when I saw that post, it somehow impacted me in a way I never felt before. Was it a relieved or a remorse. I had no idea. But it was felt through as though a sharp knife sliced through my heart. I didn’t feel the pain. Probably it was a quick one. But later I felt it. Agony and resentment.

When everything started it was bliss. Like the movie 500 Days of Summer, it ended likewise. When one has nothing to offer and the other has nothing to give, this just a dead end.

That moment of truth started to uncover itself. When the first disagreement appear, I personally thought that it’s part of the deal. When some talks ensue. It was meant as communication. Exchanging of each other mindset. That particular event haunted me. Till today. And I didn’t share with anyone until now on this space of mine.

It was during the event when I had a mishap. Car was sent into the workshop which lasted for a month or more. With the nature of my job, I need a vehicle to bring me to places. I had nothing to back me up. I had to rely on the kindness of other. In this case, my uncle and cellgroup leader, KS. I had to travel to their place to borrow their cars. Swapping between when they needs to use it, it was a tough time.

I recalled that there were one time I rushing to Subang to get hold of the car. At that time it was the rift. I felt tremendously tough to deal with. It took me few hours to get there. From Pandan Indah LRT to KL Sentral for transit, it took me hours to reach. By the time I reached there it was quite late. The other side seems not happy with these. Expecting a make it back, I did make it up. I was too eager to say the least.

CK was right about me. I’m just like the cashier who will shoot everyone out in the end of the day. I told him that seriously I might as I am keeping all the negativity within. Even I myself were afraid of me. I don’t know.

Like a poor dog getting cornered and no way out, no one will know what the dog might do. Same goes to a human being. When the person is getting too much of it, hell will even break loose. I did. It wasn’t good either. I felt bad. I had enough. I know it wasn’t going anywhere. After a diagnosis, I realised I was putting up a behaviour. A behaviour known as passive aggressive. Yes I was behaving that way. Looking back, I pickup it from my dad last time. He was so good at it. Hahaha.

There are three things in my heart. First, it’s hope from my heart. Hoping that letting go will do both well. I has nothing to offer and so. Secondly, my wish that finding the right one that will be capable of offering what I can’t. Lastly, a thank you. Thank you for the time of life.

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