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At the night like this, the only sounds that you can hear is your own breath. Quiet. Peaceful. Tranquil. Not much words can define the state of emotion that I am going through now. Occasionally I will have the guests the form of screeching tires having to hit the brake as they came close to the speed bump. What makes the lonely night like this scarier is none than the mid of the Hungry Ghost festival.

Burning the midnight oil, these college students will stay up late. Either they believe that they could concentrate well at night while the other busy entertaining themselves through gaming or just simply mamak-ing at night. What else to do then to kill time. Students have plenty of time, and that what everyone says. During these nights, I refused to sleep because I been through hell compiling and coding. Or was it just a part of the excitement to finish the game that I was playing. Either way, it was a choice. I refuse to sleep.

The transition from college to the marketplace. Some called it to face the world. In the end, we still come back to the same point. The nights I had to refuse to sleep due to the work commitment. When I have a tender to submit the next day, I would been burning the midnight oil. Sleep has become a luxury. Less sleeping hours was norm. Why to such extend? Malaysians do things at the very 11th hour. The longer one procrastinate, the more delay we will be. We put things off until that very moment. A very good example is when comes the time for the EPF e-Filing.

And then there are those insomnia. These are just freaking sicko. They got nothing to do with choice when it comes to sleep.

Insomnia

Now, I just refuse to sleep. I just want to stare into the deep black skies. Perhaps I could do the same in my pitch black bedroom when the light were out. It just the same, perhaps.

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The Together Gather 2007. Connection.

The Nuffnang Anniversary 2009. Beginning

The New Year 2010 Celebration. Crack

The July Finale. Compensation

How’s It Gonna Be – Lyrics

I’m only pretty sure that I can’t take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I’m going to miss
I wonder How it’s going to be
When you don’t know me
How’s it going to be
When you’re sure I’m not there
How’s it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
‘Cause I don’t care
How’s it going to be
How’s it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There’s a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can’t ignore
Like…
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don’t see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how’s it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
‘Cause I don’t care
How’s it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don’t know me any more
And how’s it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How’s it going to be
When you don’t know me any more
How’s it going to be
How’s it going to be

How’s it going to be? Parted ways.

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Feels like having a break on the reality. Wanted to walk away. Being a soul that’s carefree.

In front of me is the “Application For Leave” form that I need to fill. Looking at the calender, I also don’t know where to go. What to do. Lost. I am. All I know is that I want to breakaway from all these. Crap reality is sucks.

*Give sufficient details for consideration. Reporting Superior has the right to reject the application if no reason is provided* and I thought that having annual leave is the right.

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The sound of the fans cutting through the cooling July night, causing what we called winds. It enveloped my head as I resting my heavy mind in front of it. The old faithful 10years national table fan still functional as always.

Twenty days into the second half of the year, I looked around and see nothing. The trail I walked all these while seems dreamy. Just like a little memory captured in Diana lens. Like a little metronome slowly pacing down. It needs the winding to function unlike those powered by the 2 unit of double AA alkaline batteries which lasting then for years if months.

Sifu once said that we cannot compare. There is no comparison between you and others. Some might ended up as drug addict, some filthy rich and some just die young.

Almost falling asleep, I close my eyes and seeing images.

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Peanuts

Sometimes, it's not easy to handle the painful memories. They stick so hard just like your nail affixed to your finger.

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The sunshine has it gloomy side hiding beneath. The cloudy dark skies. Just despair in the air. Leslie Cheung once told of a story. A story of a bird. A bird without leg. This kind of bird will never stop flying no matter how tired. It will keep on flying until it dies.

Miracle don’t happen over night. P.U.S.H – Pray Until Something Happens. Mustn’t shaken the faith. He is the Provider. Just hang on there and have faith. I am weak, but with Him I am strong. He carry me. Reminds me of the story about the footprints.

A relationship defines one but left that out. Sometimes, you will be left wondering if 恋爱大过天? Contentment is hard to achieve. I agree with Ming. It’s a way of life. There should be a balance in life. How to define the balance is up to individual. Can we live alone? An island?

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And so it was me against the world.

Insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

I plead for contemporary insanity. To go against the grain, I must soon come to term with my insanity. The little crazy freak within me I shall embrace.
Like it or not, just like Roddy Doyle says “But look at all the other coaches, look at the world’s leaders, look at the world’s greatest authors—they’re all mad. Maradona just accepts his insanity; he loves it”. (source)

Being a mad man has it worth. Yesterday Monday was so blue. I could see smurfs everywhere. Might even mistaken them for Celcom blue bear. Either way, it makes me very feel blue. Emo-ish again. Taking my frustration with life (sum of all – job, people, relationship, family, etc) to another level, I ought to agree to a friend of mine nicknamed Crazy Panther that it is even better to swim with the fishes. I mean it literally. That’s why he took up diving instructor and went to hide in Redang Island.

At one point of time, everyone will eventually come to breakdown. The accumulated stress and tension is so much to be bearable one could only hope for an escape. So I told my mom that why not we go off for a holiday trip. She haven’t took any holiday for ages. A journey out from the country will be better still. Just that she had so much schedule piled up, she can only take a break next year.

Insanity

Last night I was watching the football match. World Cup round 16 Netherlands going against Slovakia, where the former scored 2-1 over the latter. My mind lingers while practicing my fingering of i and m, then later switching to m and a. I told myself that human is the only creature that is so negative. Deep down to the root. The more you interact with them, the social beings you get irked at their rational behavior.

Later the sandman took the better of me and I was lying there. Motionless. My mind begin its magic wondering beyond the realm. I had dreams. Dreams are far better. Only and if only we could live in a illogical space and time.

As we grow old, we have to face the harsh of reality. Life is never easy. Who say it is? Grown up have to deal with all these shits. Neither you nor I sign up for this. Since this is it, we are already f*cked up beyond comprehension. Life just screw the hell out of us. As the age goes up, we have yet to deal with it. Just deal with it. So what choice do I have but to enjoy the every minute of it. This is it.

Insanity 2

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

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Sour Grape

A little night itself turned into,
nothing but a sour grape

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How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life… you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home… I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.

Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office… and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die.

Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

- from the movie “Up in the Air”

Up in the Air

After I finished this movie, it got me on a thought. I am a man with contrasting personality. Yes, I did the Personality Plus before. Many times. Each time I got the result where scoring high on both personalities which are totally contrasting one and another – stable and unstable – water and fire – Sanguine and Melancholy. Yes, I tried it back in 2004, 2005, 2007, 2009 and 2010. I just happened to have high score on these two. I mean extra few points on Sanguine and the next time, it just shifted to Melancholic. Either I am having a dual personality or one of the is the inner self named Desire?

Personality Plus

As for the movie, it was a story of a man with nothing much, nothing less. In this movie, George Clooney stars as Ryan Bingham, a corporate assassin hired to retrench the employees. With some romance added in by Vera Farmiga, it sure helps the movie from going off down to the drain.

The introduction of the character Natalie Keener played by Anna Kendrick just reminds me of the ordeal I had to go through when I went back for the Qing Ming last week. A typical common perspective of life.

Ryan Bingham: Sell me marriage.

Yes. My aunt, sister-in-law and almost everyone is trying to do the above.

Depression sets in. The needs and the wanting to be. Then I watched the other movie – Bodyguards & Assassins. A Hong Kong movie about the China revolution about overthrowing the Qing Dynasty. With some big time cast – Donnie Yen, Tony Leung Ka-fai, Leon Lai, Wang Xueqi, Simon Yam, Hu Jun, Eric Tsang, Fan Bingbing and Nicholas Tse.

Bodyguards And Assassins

If you look at the death of these so-called bodyguards they are small in age. At the time of their death, they are still young. Maybe like my boss always said, heroes die first. They die early, they die young. Yet their blood shed were to contribute to something significant.

So what’s the point?

Why you want to carry a huge bagpack?
Buddha teaches us to break away from all these to achieve enlightenment and Nirvana. Yet can we do it? Or it has since then sway away from the actual teaching.

Holding

What is the point of having a huge back pack when you just have a small things to put in?
Just because the MLM, direct sales, insurance, motivational speakers and your bosses tell you to, it doesn’t mean you really have to. Just take those you care the most and grip it hard. Then again, when we are born to this world our hands eager to grab on something but as we writhing our palms slowly unfolds as we cannot carry it to our graves.

and this leaves me with blue or red pills? Just 5 pills!

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In the opposite of smart, I ought to do a lot of stupid little things.

Like this post. It is just feel like an obligatory update post where most of my drafted posts ended up in the draft box. I still do not able to sit down and complete all those. Thanks to the distraction of the Internet. It just seem empty and if it is empty, it does not look consistence.

Over the past few weeks, I have been busy and well quite many things happened. It got me thinking about making changes in life. As in drastic changes. Like the kind where you just drop everything and make a brand new move in life. Just like a friend of mine decided to say good bye to the hectic life of Kuala Lumpur and ended up as a diving instructor in the Redang Island.

Being prided myself for a lot of things, somehow the pride just get carried away. I myself ended up taking things for granted. A hell lot of things if you would asked me. This is extremely bad and I need to find a way to deal with it. Now at this point of life, although the pressure was not directly to me but yes seriously I do feel it. Perhaps it is the change of mindset as I grew older. Counting the days before I reach 2 years plus a quarter is just one and a half month away. Speaking about it, it also reminds me that of my current employment which going to its 4 years by early September. Woooowww time really flies. This is the longest employment I had since my graduation back in 2004.

I had done so many stupid little things in my life. It is so hard for me to put it over. This blog is too well know as it is attached to me apart from the old blog – hizecool.com. I have been thinking starting a secret one but it is too tiring to managing a bit from the current ones.

With the failure to launch to Bangkok due to the H1N1 matters back in May, I had my mishap that night and this send my Siti into the workshop for 1 month. Since I got her back, she still getting cranky every time I pull her over to the right. Guess that was the sign of her injury which will never completely healed.

Speaking about as of the time management, I do not even know where to begin. So much to my dismay that I decided not to do anything about it but to sit it through. With my own involvement in the web, the strings, the frames and the one who pays you monthly income, it seems that I had to really learn to manage these matters. Time has never been enough and still getting the pages to be done. By now it should have amounted to more than 10 titles.

I lost track of my thought again….already :\

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